Jōb Nikki

“Terrified”

I watched them turn the lights off

I watched them put chains on the door

I watched them take my whole world

Now I’m in a spiral

Trying to love

Trying to breathe

Thinking this time

It’s for real

Never enough

Always too much

I won’t say I’m sorry

One more time

Two decades with my back against the wall

Five years paying for my mistakes

A lifetime to stare at the ashes

Never not reminded

Just how worthless I am

Don’t share your thoughts

Don’t raise your voice

Don’t let them know you’re hurting

Don’t ask for something else

Be a good girl

Be thankful for everything

Always

Ungrateful bitch

Even the sand in your eye

Even when it hurts

Because it could be worse

Somewhere

I’m sure

Don’t be bitter

They don’t like you that way

Don’t fall apart

They can’t bear that weight

It will be your fault

Every fucking time

You lost the perfect man

The perfect family

The perfect life

You lost it with your mouth

And your pain

And your hurt

It’s your fault

All

Your

Fault

You can’t be loved

So I just let it be my fault

And carry on this way

With a heart that wants to go home

Wherever that may be

And a vessel no one can touch

Because God made me that way