Jōb Nikki

“All Along”

I don’t know how to explain

I was always trying to

For you

I guess it doesn’t matter

Was it me or was it you

I still get confused

The one without is always at the bottom

The imbalance

Made me weak

The fear made me mean

You said stay

But wanted me to change

Without acknowledgment

Of your silent betrayals

Shutting parts of my life out

Loyalties to strangers

You thought would bring secret serenity

Instead just bringing out your addictions

Never acknowledging how you made me this way

From silent auctions

You participated in next door

To the secrets you kept

Inside our home

Making alliances to ensure I’d be left out

Knowing I’ve always been an abandoned soldier

Relying on myself

Every presentation of facts

Led to threats of it all being taken away

Pointing to my entitlement

Ignoring an imbalance of power

I couldn’t change

When you promised you’d never treat me that way

I knew every frightening possibility

I presented them to you in the contract you signed

Promising to never leave me this way

Now I lie in the muddy water

Made from hopeless tears

and dirt no one has claimed

Even though you promised

Even if you left

You’d always keep me safe

But promises don’t mean anything

When enough is enough

Even in violence

I’m the one to blame

I wasn’t the only one with a dagger behind my back

I wasn’t the only one taking someone’s peace

By forcing uncomfortable situations

With people even God can’t see

Asking for a stationary life you promised

So I could finally get clean

But you wanted to be free

In a chaotic swirl of sudden movements

Frantic drug fueled decisions

Not seeing my lack of power

Was making me insane

Knowing one sudden move

Would leave me where I ended up

On the street with nothing

Now you demand apologies

I full heartedly gave

Because I do see your pain

but you replied with confirmation

That there would be no reciprocity

No regret for bruises you left

And fear you created

In a world I’d never been

I realized I was always alone in the street

This was always where I belonged

I hate to say

I knew all along