Jōb Nikki

We started off quick

You left flowers on my desk

Your marriage had unraveled

I warned you of my battles

You said you were strong

You weren’t worried

I asked if you were truly ready to move on

You told me you had never been so certain

You rolled your eyes

As my mother threw grenades

I backed you up

When your ex got stingy over money

You started to sigh

When my children showed disrespect

I told you I could no longer handle

The repetition of her name

We went to concerts and nearby islands

We tried to hold onto that spark

Your children came around for money

Mine were only allowed to be seen twice a month

I told you from the beginning

Everything that was to come

But as each wave hit

You unraveled

And it was my reaction we must focus in on

After you would leave me in the dirt

When it was my tragedy unfolding

In December I got bad news

You halfway lost your mind

I held your hand and waited

You got drunk on your brother’s birthday

I fell apart a few more times

In March my job was over

You hid your resentment with roadtrips

That only left us asking questions at the edge of a ravine

By May I should have known it was over

Unearthing careless lies

About silent betrayals

That left me mortified

But again the focus would be on me

For screaming at you as I cried

You bought me golden rings

To hang onto a promise

You never fully made

But never a purse

Not that goddam purse I never asked for

But you reminded me of

At least three or four times

You had returned the gift

As a punishment for my behavior

Never to be forgotten or unmentioned

We held it together through July

No longer sharing love songs

We kept our emotions hidden

I got drunk on my bicycle

After another conversation wasn’t had

We silently slammed doors

Sticking pins into one another

Hinting at how we’d each been left behind

Avoiding the collapse of a future together

In August we made the biggest mistake

And pretended everything was fine

I kept holding on to one more obstacle to overcome

You wanted me silent and obedient

Something with which we both knew

I’d never be able to comply

I followed you to another country

Never had I been so far away

I was trusting you

You were tolerating me

Unaware how brutal the misogyny would be

You didn’t want to hear me

You didn’t care I was terrified

Of disgusting men

Touching women like objects

You told me everything was fine

It was then I knew

You were no longer mine

It was strangers you needed to impress

I went into a panic

We both lost our minds

Despite the violence

It was the after

That killed me

You see

You had been taking away pieces of my independence

For months

Telling me

On you only I should rely

Now you called me entitled

And worthless

Once the fight was over

You told me

To find my own way back across the globe

With strangers who didn’t speak my language

With non existent money

To a non existent home

And a non existent form of transportation

You demanded I get help

For the alcohol you poured

That further fueled the fire

Your way of not taking accountability

Of the punches you had thrown

I asked if you’d do the same

But it was all my fault

I never thought we’d end up this way

I never assumed you hated me

Quite that much

I never thought about the possibility

Of lies and drugs and violence

Because I meant what I said

When I told you

You were the first real man I’d known

I should’ve known

I had to fight alone

Now I have to die

Not once

Not twice

Not three times

But four times total

A woman rectified

Will you come back once I’m whole again

I’ll be honest I hope you can

But I don’t know if either of us

Will be who we were before all those storms hit

I don’t know if I can ever truly forgive you

I don’t know if you can let go of the resentment you have for me

So I think back

To the places we fell in love

Shakey Graves

Twenty One Pilots

Poorly lit stairways

Sushi

Old Queen Mary

And of course under our shaggy blanket of love

My favorite place was in my living room

Listening to our favorite songs

Dancing and laughing

I wish I could go back there

But even home is gone

I’ll manage and put things back together

Like I always seem to do

But part of me lived and died with you

One year one month and eleven days

Now I must be reborn

How odd it is to lose a whole life and a love all at the same time

My savior my tyrant

I loved you through it all