I have to fix me
Dig into basements
I’ve dared not to go
I have to face me
A reflection with bruises and cuts
Self-inflicted and superimposed
I have to heal wounds
No one is apologizing for
I have to face vices
Trace all of the scars
It’s boring
And cruel
It’s beautiful
And grotesque
I’ve been running from myself
For quite a while now
Down city streets
With a megaphone
Begging to be loved
Then throwing it away
When pain overflows
You can’t love somebody
If you don’t love yourself
And I haven’t been fond of myself
Since I was four foot three
In a pink polka dot dress
Wearing a Minnie Mouse watch
Scratched from falling
On the jagged cement
At the golf tournament
My brother won first place
I digress
I’ve caused pain
To those I loved most
I’ve been hurt
By people who should have kept me safe
No one is coming to carry me
Or hold me
Or tell me I’m enough
I’ve been drowning my sorrows
I’ve been singing unabashedly
To fill all these gaps
But no lyrics
Can solve me
No love can contain me
I have to pull up my britches
Pretend to know how to be grown
I have to heal me
Crying in the bathroom alone
Daring myself to stay composed
An easy answer
Isn’t on this test
Determined in demeanor
Someday I’ll find me
And tell myself
I am loved
Jōb Nikki 
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