You became such a part of me
I wonder if I’m already dead
Because I don’t feel
Anything anymore
Sometimes I’ll mistake
Sudden bursts of anxiety
For confidence or hope
But it fades into watercolor tears
On my pillow
With trembling hands
And restless legs
As I mourn what I thought
My life with you would be
I never fully trusted anyone
Until you
I’ve been tricked
And manipulated
By liars and thieves
But I followed you willingly
Into a fog
I still don’t understand
Because I’ve seen pure evil
I danced with the devil
And that’s not who you were
Now I question
Every perception
I had of you
Since now
You put on quite a show
Turning your insides out
Smearing blood across my chest
Grabbing my chin
To turn my head
And whisper in my ear
“Everything you told me in confidence
Will be blasted from the highest mountain
Because hurting your flesh wasn’t enough
I want to make you beg”
The thing is
You found me already broken
So your playing with postmortem parts
How many times
Have I told you I’m dead
Not enough
Because you still doubt
I loved you with childish abandon
I held on to every word
I never had a daddy
So I took your hand instead
I followed where you led
The way I thought he should have
The way I wished he had
But you dropped me off
In the forest
At night
With no moonlight
Then you brought out the entire village
To show them all
How I lost my mind
I don’t know how this can be real anymore
I have no more pain to give
But you pick me up
And slam me down
Turning into my darkest nightmares
I scream your unholy name
Those eyes that used to embrace me
Have turned into Obsidian
And I don’t know how to get back from here
But surely there is nothing left to fear
Jōb Nikki 
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