I memorized the shape of your back
The way your hand melted into mine
Watching watercolor sunsets
Discussing traveling
For the rest of our lives
I felt bad for yelling
Getting on your case
I questioned reality
Trying to take back our fate
I got drunk when you vanished
No longer wanting to talk
About money you were hemorrhaging
In order to fake a pale face
You used it against me
With tequila on your breath
I patiently waited
For you to face your demons
While you talked to
Carson City
And Molly
And Dana the dog mom (not Luis like you said)
Because I know everything
You think you carefully hid
You hated that I knew you
From the inside out
While claiming I didn’t care
About Masters of the Universe
And Yautja dialect
You got anxious in big crowds
Smelled burnt flesh in your sleep
How you thought you could save me
To make up for destroying their mother
Now you confide in her to forget
That you’re the one who blamed us both
Leaving our things scattered along the roadside
Because we deserved all this pain
I could be brutal
Like you
Telling me my rape babies are feral
And I should just do us all a favor
That my mother was right
For stealing my life
With manipulations you witnessed
Misplaced hatred
For what my father did
But I’d never attack
The sacred parts of you
Held together by stitches
As you bury your pain
Under crystals found on the bathroom counter
Never speaking your real name
I loved you in secret
I loved you out loud
But you took advantage of me
Once I was declared worthless
Depression smothering this flame
I know you once meant it
When you said I would never be too much
But you changed your mind
When I didn’t stop asking
For you to continue being
That man
Who promised to never lie to me
Who protected me from disrespect
Who wouldn’t tolerate
Ignorant male chauvinism
But now I was asking too much
You wanted me to sit quietly
And drink up the sunset
As you took me to places
Built for men
To take advantage of impoverished women
Who played into this game
Hoping you’d become single too
So you could save a friend
From their undue shame
Letting that attitude
Fill in the gaps in our lack of communication
No longer able to tell you
I felt unsafe
Trying to distract me with the price of food
And accommodations paid for with freedom
No one else had
You can hide from responsibility
You can hide from the accountability
But I still see you smiling at me
From across the room
Pretending we’re still fighting
To recover this love
Waking up to realizations
You don’t want to care anymore
Does this seem unfair
Does it seem like a rant
You left me in flames
Bruised my face
And spit on our grave
Letting me find my way home
From the other side of the globe
While sending me non-stop messages
About how worthless I am
I get to bleed out in the streets
I get to curse your name out loud
Because this broken vessel
Can’t handle anymore pain
I’m still picking up the pieces
While you pour more champagne
Jōb Nikki 
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