“Full disclosure”
There are two sides to every story
I’ve been told I don’t face my own faults
But here they are
In full disclosure:
When I sense cracks forming
That will tear apart a bond
I yell and I scream to tie them back together
Forcing reconciliation followed by contempt
When my hurt is too much
I’ve turned to the bottle
To drown out the noise
That’s on an infinite loop in my brain
Even under cold water in the shower
When someone does me wrong
I yell it from the mountain tops
Only making myself seem more insane
Making the divide between me and them
Even wider
When I was a single mother
I disassociated during the most precious of times
Putting me survival before theirs
Letting my hurt spill over
When I’m in love
I sometimes overlook the other person’s needs
As I overanalyze how to overcome
All of my insurmountable battles
But look at me know
Finding peace in my isolation and renunciation
Only letting the rage flow in words that sit silently
In forums read by strangers
Communicated through lyrics and rhymes
I stay sober and work through the pain
Facing discomforts in the form of tremors throughout the night
Letting nightmares sit on my shoulders
Aiming for peace in the clarifying morning light
I only send out my deepest hurts
Under an alias that keeps my identity safe
And my enemies hidden
No longer asking for acquaintances to feel all of my pain
I talk to my teenage children to listen
Cherishing every word
Accepting resentment and avoidance I can only heal
Through persistence and patience
As I cheer for their victories and feel their hurt in my bones
I try to empathize with lovers who hurt me
Trying to see what I ignored
Understanding I can’t do it alone
If they can’t face who they became
But I love them through the pain
Understanding they may not be able to see past their own hurt pride
Most of all
I show myself grace
I allow myself to receive mercy
I don’t criticize the scars on my flesh
Knowing wisdom isn’t given
It’s earned from paying the highest prices
Often during undeserved crises
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